Why Not You?

Not exactly what you'd want to hear when you're wallowing in self-pity.  More often then I'd like to admit, the thought of "Why Me?" comes into my head.  Although, I think I've become a professional at convincing others that I don't ever have this internal dialogue.  I have to be honest, I absolutely positively do.  Lately, though, I find myself doing more of the pep talk.  I stop myself on the way down into my pity hole with phrases like, "This too shall pass."  "It's like this right now, but it won't be like this forever."  (That's one of my favorites.)  I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel only to be rained on by the reality of my palms getting sweaty and my pump vibrating as a reminder to check my sugar.  I recognize that my life is good; that it could be much worse.  I'm very grateful that I've been living with diabetes for 22 years and I don't have ANY complications.  So, for this, I'm grateful.  But it doesn't make the day to day LIVING with diabetes any easier.

I have very wise people in my world; my husband is at the top of this list.  But my Grandma (my mother's mother), always says just the right thing at just the right moment.  I spend most mornings, on my commute to work, talking to my mother while my grandmother is in the background clinking her spoon against her coffee cup.  Every now and then, I call completely unraveled.  My grandmother gets on the phone and something about the sound of her voice, the years of life experience that ribbon through her words, that gives me instant peace.  She reminds me that no one said life would be easy.  She encourages me to remember that I'm blessed in so many areas of my life; that even though I'm not pregnant yet, doesn't mean that it won't ever happen. 

I finish the call and her words echo through my soul.  No longer am I asking, "Why me?"  but rather "Why NOT me?"

Cheat or Treat?

So over the weekend we took a ride to the outlet stores at Woodbury commons.  While shopping I started to feel a little foggy and had a hard time focusing  which, while shopping, wasn't a good thing. In a collected panic I pulled out my machine and on top of a pile of clothes, checked my blood sugar.  38.  Whoa!! I took glucose tables but after 20 minutes, still didn't feel good (Enter candy vending machine).  Seeing as I'm diligently maintaining good blood sugar control, I rarely indulge myself.  So while some will call this 'cheating' I prefer to call it 'treating' a low blood sugar :)

One pack of starburst contains 12 pieces of yummy goodness, totaling 33 grams of carbs.  So you can have 6 pieces of starburst instead of glucose tablets.  If you're anything like me, finding ways to indulge a little bit will keep you sane.  Just don't eat the entire package!!  This is not easy.  You look at the pieces and think to yourself, "These don't look too bad."  But it's those moments that turn the treating into cheating.

Even those of you watching your diet, this is the moment where a good day becomes a bad day.  It's in those moments where you must consciously decide to make the right choice.  A series of good choices makes for weight lose and for me...a lower A1c (more on what this is later).

Tata for now :) - 5 days til Mexico!!!

Battle Scars - Take two (why don't you wear a bikini?)

Forget the fact that I've put on a few and don't feel it's appropriate to wear one.  I don't wear bikini's because my stomach looks like I've just recovered from chicken pox.  I mean, really?!?!?  A bikini?  Still, I love that my husband tells me I look beautiful, no matter what.  He really does mean it, and I really do believe him.  I fear my bikini days are over and I've turned my attention towards finding the sexiest, prettiest tankini I can find.  Tankini's also provide an additional advantage; a place to hang my pump discreetly. 

J.Crew makes a silhouette called the swing top that is extremely flattering.  The top has a little more room, which helps with hiding the pump!!  It also helps that these styles come in fashionable colors and prints :)
http://www.jcrew.com/womens_category/swim/solids/PRDOVR~10271/10271.jsp

We leave for Mexico in a week and I've already begun to feel the anxiety of  eating and drinking on vacation.  How will I count carbs?  Why do I have to count carbs while I'm on vacation?  This is a VACATION.  Unfortunately, there is no vacationing from diabetes.  So, while basking in the sun and lounging around I will do my very best to stay on task.  I hope the hotel has measuring cups!!

Oh, P.S. for those of you who have scars and are looking to diminish them as quickly as possible.  The only thing that I've found that works for me is mederma.  It's a little expensive but worth every penny, as far as I'm concerned.  You have to apply it diligently, which is the only downside.  It takes several months to start seeing results.

Battle scars - take one

So one of the things that has changed most over my years of being diabetic, is the amount of times I feel it's necessary to check my blood sugar.  Do any of my fellow diabetics remember when people started testing on their toes?  Am I making this up?  Or did that, in fact happen?  Lately I feel as though I'm running out of spots!!  This is also the case for pump and sensor spots.  As I begin losing weight my fatty spots are dwindling, making pump locals sparse.  So...am I supposed to stay plump for pumps sake?

Anyway, hollar at me if you have the tiny black spots too.  They tend to get calloused as well.  Ah, the joys of compulsive blood sugar testing.  But, I guess it's better than not knowing whether your sugars are up & down all day.  Preparing for pregnancy means making sure your blood sugars stay consistent all day, and although the sensor does help, it's certainly not as accurate.  Plus, I find my sensor is, at least, 20-30 min behind my real-time sugars.

I prefer to stay informed, no matter how hole-y I may get.

Welcome

Hello there.

There are some of you who may not know me and have happened upon this blog while attempting to google complicated questions into your browser search window.  All I have to say is...I've been there.  Over the last year and a half I've been probed, pricked, scrapped, scanned, and any other ed word you can think of while trying to get my 29 year old, type 1 diabetic body ready for pregnancy.  As if the 22 years of diabetes wasn't enough, my husband and I are navigating the all-too-common road of infertility.

I started this blog as a therapy for myself in hopes that allowing the potential "whole world" in on my issues will help me deal with the fact that my body just doesn't do what it should.  Whether or not THIS results in THAT, will remain to be seen.  I know that there are plenty of women with fertility issues and that there are plenty of women with type 1 diabetes.  But whether or not there are a ton of women out there with both, really doesn't matter to me.  All that really matters, right now, is that I HAVE BOTH.  Maybe you do too.  So, for that reason, I'm glad your here. 

My plan is to journal and update this page with as much information on the drama, testing and treatments that I have and will go through trying to conceive.  I'll even post the mundane yet comical day to day diabetic nonsense we go through!! When, yes WHEN I do get pregnant, I'll continue to blog about my journey as a pregnant type 1 diabetic!!

Thanks for stopping by!!  Good luck to any of you enduring this journey with me.

- Lauren